Secrets - A Thorn in our Flesh

A journal entry from June 28, 2016  

            Joe was severely tempted last night Lord.  Satan attacked him again, but you were with him. You kept him safe.  I guess when we are separated there will always be a greater probability of temptation swooping into the empty spaces I leave behind.  I have been fearful of temptations but you know what?  They don’t scare me as much anymore.  This morning I realized I am much more afraid of secrets.  A secret is the only thing that has the power to destroy our marriage. 

Both Joe and I have felt so secure and safe these days.  He is strong in his faith and his commitment to sobriety.  I have been winning my battle with triggers.  After 2 and a half years, life is really starting to seem normal.  But whenever the world is most sweet, the enemy will be looking for a way to attack.  I guess this is the thorn in my side, a message from satan that I should not be exalted over much.  And although I have prayed that it be removed You have said, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  2 Corinthians 12:7  This battle will never be far from us and knowing that, will ensure that we keep you close so that you can keep us strong.

How strange that Joe should bring up that scripture last night when talking about his battle, when I had just stumbled on that same scripture yesterday.  Not strange at all though.  You gave me that scripture to help me understand that you are with me.  You are using temptation to help Joe realize that he can never get lazy.  He can never let his guard down.  Satan will always try to win him back.  Temptation will always be a thorn in both of our sides.  We can never give up.  We can never become complacent about the gift that you have given us in each other.  Our love is both solid and fragile at the same time. There is nothing that can tear us apart from each other and yet there is something so small, that it could shred us to pieces.  So much of your way, doesn’t seem to make sense, but the truth of it is so real.

Shred us to pieces!  How can that be?  How can it be that our love, which is so strong, can be made weak by one small thing?  Not a temptation.  Not even a slip or a fall.  The one small thing that could destroy our marriage is a secret.  Like a thorn, it seems so small.  But a thorn can irritate and then fester and infect, becoming a danger to all of the flesh surrounding it.  A thorn is so tiny, yet an entire limb that had recently been strong and mobile, could become useless with swelling and pain.  That is how a thorn works. 

A secret can have that kind of destructive power.  One little secret, left untold, would quickly fester and spread into the healthy tissue of our marriage.  The lie that satan continues to tempt Joe with is,“No one would know.”  It seems like the truth.  There would be no evidence of a slip. Joe knows the tricks of deceit and I am very trusting.  So the only thing left in the wake of a slip, would be one tiny secret and an omission or two to cover it up.  Oh, that’s right omissions are lies.  The enemy wants us to forget about that.  Ok, so there would be one tiny secret and…  Well, Ok, one big secret and a few lies of omission.  Well, that isn’t quite true either.  One big secret, some lies of omission, some bigger lies when responding to direct questions and some internal justifications and a blocked discussion with God.  Come on it was just one slip.  Can’t a guy just have a bad day?  Really?  One slip.  It will never happen again.  If I tell her I know it will break her heart, ruin her day.  I can keep it to myself just this once. If it happens again then I will definitely say something.  I promised I would tell and I will, but I can wait.  It won’t happen again.  Oh, what about my accountability guys.  They think I’m the poster child for fidelity.  I’m a leader I can’t let them down.  It was just one little slip.  They slip all the time.  I’m not going to say anything tonight.  I want to chew on it a bit.  I’ll tell them next week.  I’ll talk to God tomorrow.  I’ll read my bible later.  How about those Reds?  Good game last night.  Wonder how they will do tonight. The secret festered and satan smiled, knowing that the new 180 group would be his next playground.

The secret, like the thorn, only goes unnoticed for a short time before the irritation starts.  But it festers quickly killing off healthy cells of relationship with the Lord and with others.  The justifications would become the fuel for the next slip and the next.  The cherished gift of our marriage would become tarnished as the deceit and lies begin to insert themselves.  The fear and shame would ensure that the secrecy would grow, because satan’s lies would infect all the places that had been filled with truth and love. 

Am I afraid that Joe might slip ?  Yes, but we could survive it.  A slip would cause us to cling to each other in acknowledgement of how precious and how fragile our love is.  A slip would make us grateful and relieved that we had done our homework and listened to God, grateful that we that we were ready for the enemy.  God is telling us that nothing is more important than dodging the thorns of secrecy that are the enemy’s greatest weapon.  He can cause us to slip but that isn’t the worst thing that can happen.  He can also cause us to keep it to ourselves.  If we remain open to each other.  Open in our honest confessions and open to hearing the love and trust that the vulnerability indicates, the enemy can never get us.  We can be Jesus to each other in the face of this battle.  This is the armor that God has provided for us.  Truth will always tell a different story.  The voice of truth, is our biggest weapon and God will provide it whenever the enemy attacks. 

Lord, thank you for this insight.  Thank you for your holy word that gives us everything we need to win the battle with the enemy.  If we just listen to you we will have everything we need to fight.  It is for your glory that you have given me this husband and our marriage and you will not let us down.  We may encounter temptation but you will not leave us alone.  We have put our trust in you and you have been faithful.  I will not be afraid, Lord.  I will not be afraid.  You will keep me safe and you will keep my husband and our marriage safe, too.