Surviving Infidelity

A journal entry from January 28, 2015                  I’m glad I did all that searching earlier because it got tested right away.  When we were on the way home from 180 and Hearts Restored Joe made a comment about strip clubs.  That had come up a number of times recently.  I asked, “Did you go to them while we were married?”  He said, "Yes," and once again I didn't get the response I had expected and hoped for.  I was shocked.  I knew they were part of his past but by past I thought he meant Marines past, before marriage.                  Satan immediately came after me. He wanted me to look at it closely, to imagine Joe in a place like that.  Create the pictures, come on you can do it.  No, I was not going to do that to myself.  I have enough bad film in my head.  I do not need to add to it.                 This sounded like lying by omission to me.  I told Joe he had lied to me again.  He got angry.  He started talking about how hard he has been working and he

A journal entry from March 9, 2016                         Lord, please help me understand my love for this man.           Baby Girl, I have given you a most precious gift in your husband.  I picked a man who would love you like no one else.  I knew that you would be facing extreme challenges as you brought him to me, but I knew that you would think he was worth it. I chose him for you Baby Girl because I knew he could fill your needs and desires.  He does that for you, doesn’t he?  He is there for you like no other man ever would be.  He is my gift to you.  You don’t have to be afraid to love him with all of your heart.  I know that you are afraid.  You have been hurt so badly and I am sorry for that.  But you will never be hurt like that again.  He is mine now, just as you are mine and he trusts me with his heart.  You can trust him with yours. He is the best I have for you.  Love him Baby Girl.  Love him free and clear of fear.  You have nothing to be afraid of any more.  H

A journal entry from June 28, 2016                Joe was severely tempted last night Lord.  Satan attacked him again, but you were with him. You kept him safe.  I guess when we are separated there will always be a greater probability of temptation swooping into the empty spaces I leave behind.  I have been fearful of temptations but you know what?  They don’t scare me as much anymore.  This morning I realized I am much more afraid of secrets.  A secret is the only thing that has the power to destroy our marriage.  Both Joe and I have felt so secure and safe these days.  He is strong in his faith and his commitment to sobriety.  I have been winning my battle with triggers.  After 2 and a half years, life is really starting to seem normal.  But whenever the world is most sweet, the enemy will be looking for a way to attack.  I guess this is the thorn in my side, a message from satan that I should not be exalted over much.  And although I have prayed that it be removed You have

A journal entry from January 2, 2015  3:30AM           When Joe found me at the other end of my Christmas card, 16 ½ years ago, I was so lonely.   My second marriage had ended and for two years I had been living in a rented house with two of my girls there part time.  We were making it and I was getting stronger, but I was lonely.  I was lonely and I was insecure.  Who would ever want me?  How would I ever find someone to love me?  I was afraid of men.  I knew they could hurt me.  I was afraid of their gaze that showed interest.  I was afraid of sex.  I was lacking and they would know it.  I was not a sexual woman and they would find that out if I let them get close.  I was afraid, so I didn’t let them get close.           I had a bicycle and I found a group of people that liked to ride.  I loved the feeling of strength in my body when I pushed myself to ride up gigantic hills or go far distances.  The challenges were fun but at the end of the day, with my girls away, I went

A journal entry from January 1, 2016                  Satan is making a last ditch effort here to bring me down.   But h e is just showing me how much I need my God, how much I need to walk with Jesus.   Satan get out of my head, out of my room, out of my writing.   In the name Jesus, get out of my life.   I don’t need you here.   You have done your damage and God has used it for his good.   Your poison has caused me to rescue my husband from your clutches.   God and I saved him and then they both turned and saved me.   I walk with Jesus now.   His spirit is in me and I will not let you take me or this marriage down.   Get out of my life Satan, out of my house, my car, out of Joe’s car, out of my bed and my head, get out of my writing.   I want my writing to be full of the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in me.   I have God’s Holy Spirit in me and you cannot get me while the spirit is in me.   I may waver now and then but God is creating a new heart in me.   God loves me more t

A journal entry from January 1, 2016         Melody Beattie asks that question in Language of Letting Go.  What would I like to have happen in my life?  Hmmmmm!     I would like to feel more in tuned with God’s plan.   I know that God’s plan is  good and I also know that when I think I am in charge, I have to work a lot harder.  I worry more, I feel more responsible and if things don’t go the way I think they should, I feel badly about myself.  On the flip side, when I remember that God has a plan I am more balanced.  That's it.  I want to find balance.  I want to put down the negatives of what I have learned about Joe's past and just go with what God has given me today, right now in this moment.  God has worked so much good in my life.  He has turned my wailing into dancing. (Psalm 30:11)  I am able to be joyful again.  Sometimes it is tentative as if I am hedging my bets, but it is joy.  I want more of that.       Like Peter, I want to get out of the boat. Only I don’t want

A journal entry from March 3, 2016                  Another running revelation.  I was listening to Tell your Heart to Beat Again and I heard something different.  He talks about your world being shattered and "You think you're never gonna get back to the you that used to be.  Let the shadows fall away. Step into the light of grace. Yesterday’s a closing door.  You don’t live there anymore. Say good bye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again.” Say good bye to where I’ve been, where I’ve been.  Thank you Lord. I just heard that.  I just heard You.  I need to let go of my past.  I need to say good bye to the past 2 years of my broken heart.  I’m ok now.  "Love has pulled me through."  You have pulled me through.  I have been trying to let go of Joe’s past.  I have been trying to walk away from his past not my own.  My ugly past has only been two years.  I have to let the shadows of that sad, broken time, fall away and step into the light of grace. 

A journal entry from April 2, 2016   Words from God through my hands: Baby girl, it is a good time to talk about fear.  I have given you good insights about it and it is time to pull some of them together.  I understand your fear but I don’t know if you understand it yet.  Baby girl, what are you afraid of?  You know that I am here in your heart and still you are afraid.  You know that I have a plan for you and still you are afraid.  You know that I will never leave you, that I have always been here for you, I have always taken care of you and still you are afraid.  You know that I love you and I choose you.  You can feel me loving you and still you are afraid.  Why are you afraid baby girl?  What are you afraid of? Why is my love, not enough for you?          Me:      What am I afraid of?  I have been asking myself that question and the true answer is hard to find.  Could it be because as much as I love and trust you, I still want my husband to be my God?  I still can’t adm

A journal entry from April 10, 2016                                 Lord, I think you have given me another insight.  Last night I was telling Joe about a book I was reading where the married woman was attracted to her class instructor.  It was that she was headed toward an affair.                 Joe told me that when he hears stuff like that his stomach clenches.  It is like watching a horror movie.  All he can think is, “No, don’t do it!”  It makes him sick to remember his stupidity and he wishes every day that he could change his past choices.  Then, thinking of the past he said, “You could never make me feel the things she made me feel about myself, but it was all shallow.  It wasn’t until I almost lost you that I realized, this is the only thing that matters.  Everything I was feeling was just shallow.  You and I have history and love that goes deeper than anything I could get from someone else.”  I heard and understood what he was saying. I put it aside while we watch