Surviving Infidelity

My husband's lip quivered. “I have something to tell you.” Over the past five years, that phrase has put me on high alert many times. My stomach drops, my heart races and I brace myself for the onslaught of emotion Joe’s words of truth-telling are sure to bring. I readied myself for his admission. “I thought about contacting a woman for validation, but I didn’t." Joe assured me. "I don’t want to be that man anymore. I am coming to you instead.” I took a breath and checked in with myself. My heart quieted. My breathing calmed. I was okay. Joe continued, and I listened with an ear tuned to the message he needed to share. He felt criticism coming from me lately. It reignited feelings of inadequacy and being a disappointment. In the past, these feelings would have caused him to turn to others for comfort and distraction from the pain. This time God was stronger. Joe was stronger. This time, Joe came to me, knowing I would provide the love and validation he neede

Last weekend, a tiny ornament made me cry. While visiting my daughter and her family in NY, I helped decorate the Christmas tree. The kids bounced between the ornament boxes spread on the couch and the large blinking tree. “Help us, Mimi,” one of them urged as he skittered past.   I reached into a box of the more delicate ornaments and pulled out one that had been carefully wrapped in tissue paper. When I unwrapped the treasure, the chatter and excitement of my grandchildren faded. My eyes welled and I was transported back to Christmas 2013 and the horror of discovering Joe’s affair. Not wanting to dwell on that chapter of our journey, I pushed my thoughts forward to the following Christmas. Did we even celebrate that year? Did any of the kids come home? I was so lost and broken. I feared I might have to leave our marriage if the lies continued. Joe and I kept the burdens of his betrayal to ourselves for a long time. We feared that telling our kids would destroy our blende

"I'm not good enough", was seared on my heart when I found out about Joe's betrayal. Nothing could persuade me otherwise. I struggled to convince myself that Joe's brokenness was not about me. After about two years, I understood it intellectually, but my heart continued to stutter when time he talked about the temptations he battled every day. It's not about me! I'd remind myself, then pray for protection from an enemy, who would have me believe otherwise. This Christmas will be the 5 year anniversary of discovery. I know the betrayal was never about me. This morning, on a 4 AM run under a beautiful starlit sky, I understood it at a deeper level. None of this was even about Joe. God's plans for Joe's brokenness went far beyond our little marriage. God didn't create Joe's sexual brokenness, but he had an awesome plan for it. He allowed Joe's affair to break both of us so we would come to Him, but again, not for us. His plan was big

Joe has often said, “I want to give you back the years the locusts ate.” I love that he wants to do that and have felt comforted by his declaration. Yay, he is going to fix this. He is going to do something the make it all go away, to make it all better. Abracadabra. Here are the years the locust ate. This morning I realize how that really works. --It doesn’t. Joe has no magic wand or super power. He can’t give me something that was never his in the first place. It is up to me. I am the only one who can reclaim those years. How? By recognizing the gifts that have come from them. By believing with 100% certainty that there was no other way to arrive at this place of glory where I walk with God's guidance.   I remember many times saying, “I will not waste 2-5 years of my life in this nightmare.” I wanted the nightmare to go away. I wanted to awaken and find the betrayal, its memories, triggers and ugliness deleted from the hard drive of my life. I smile to think of my chil

My husband, Joe had the phone to his ear when he walked in the door. “One of my guys,” he mouthed. By the look on his face I imagined that one of the men from his group was struggling. Joe walked into the bedroom to finish the conversation. Joe leads a support group for men. They meet every week to help each other find freedom from sexual brokenness and regain control of their lives. They want to be better men, to be the men their wives and God want them to be. Sometimes one of the men may fall. If he is serious about his healing, he will be honest with his accountability brothers and his wife. Then pick himself up and start again. My heart goes out to the wife. Once again, she must face the harsh reality of her husband’s battle. Hopefully, she has a group of women to turn to in times like this. How do we protect ourselves from the painful truths of our husband’s journey? How do we do the right thing for ourselves and still love these men God has given us. The only way I hav

Lying in bed with my arm draped over my husband, a thought came to me. He is just a man, a person with insecurities and doubts. He isn’t a big, strong all-knowing being. He is like me, at times weak and fearful. How did I not know that? Why did I expect more of him than I did of myself?             It made me feel safe  to see him as  strong, confident, perfect.  I wanted to believe in a power greater than myself and I gave that power to my husband. He wanted to believe it too. We grew into our roles of reliance on his power, boxing Joe into a place where he couldn’t admit his fears and weaknesses. He tried to appear strong and in his weakness, he fell. I am grateful my husband no longer pretends to be more than he is. He shares his fears and uncertainties, trusting me to love him anyway.  We are called to love people, not idolize them.   I still believe in a power greater than myself but now I know his name is God. He will keep me safe.

So much has changed in my life since that awful night when I looked at Joe's phone and learned he was seeing another woman. I was a mess for a long time, but I survived and so did our marriage. Things are different for us in a lot of ways. Joe doesn’t always tell me the things I want to hear like he used to. Now he tells me the truth. Sometimes I don’t like what he has to say, but his willingness to be honest makes me feel safe. I would rather hear it from him than find myself back in those crazy days, obsessively combing through his technology. God healed me. I learned to trust Him when I couldn’t trust Joe. He led me to a group of women who listened and understood my pain. Through those ladies I learned that God had a plan for me and I was going to be okay regardless of Joe's choices. If you find yourself lost in the nightmare of infidelity, find a community of women who can support you . They will help you see that it is not your fault and you are not crazy. A