Words of Reflection from my Husband

Guest Post: from my husband 

My wife has graciously asked me if I would give my perspective on the most recent lesson in our healing process. 

On a recent Friday morning, I took advantage of the last dry unseasonably warm day of December to chop leaves in our yard.  This entails driving the mower in circles and reducing piles of leaves to chopped mulch.  It can be pretty mindless work but it gives me time to reflect and meditate.

As I was mowing, my mind wandered and I found myself imagining a text conversation with a woman I have worked with.  Nothing in the conversation was blatantly inappropriate (read: sexual) but it was certainly more familiar than a married man should be having with a woman who is not his wife.  At some point, I stopped the imaginary conversation and started talking to myself.  Why was I doing this?  I knew where this kind of banter could lead.  It had led me down a path that almost ended in the destruction of my marriage.  So, why am I looking down that path again?  In identifying and examining my feelings (something I'm not very good at), I realized that I had been feeling criticized and put down by Hil in the previous few weeks.  I identified several examples of how, with a sidelong comment, she had made me feel bad.  It occurred to me that I was not feeling validated by her and this sparked the thought of looking elsewhere for the validation I desired.  This woman from work liked me and would certainly give me more positive reinforcement than I was getting from my wife.  

An innocent text conversation couldn’t hurt, right? 

But no!  I don’t want to go there.  I want validation and understanding from my wife!  I want intimacy with her!   Sexual intimacy, yes, but even more so, I want the intimacy that results from total vulnerability and transparency.  I want to be fully known and fully loved by her, as I am by God.  And to do that, I have to tell her she hurt my feelings with her criticisms. 

I have one more observation to make. Had I acted on my imaginings and actually contacted this woman, it would have been my decision, my fault, my responsibility.   My actions can in no way be blamed on Hil’s criticisms of me.  Yes, my feelings were hurt, but I’m a grownup and I am still responsible for determining how I respond to those feelings. 

Ok, as if examining and identifying my feelings were not enough, now I have to talk with Hil about them!  Maybe I could have a root canal instead.  That would be less painful.  But, this healing process never promised to be pain free.    

So, on Sunday morning, two whole days later, when she suggested we go for a run before church, I finally drummed up my courage and said, “No, I think we need to talk”.  This kind of statement has never been met with joyful anticipation in our healing history.  Usually it means I have to confess to a slip.  I knew her stomach dropped when I said that.  So, I spoke quickly and emotionally about what I realized, how it made me feel, and what I considered doing to remedy my hurt feelings.  I finished by saying I had not followed through with the imagined text conversation. 

I was surprised to hear her response.  She told me she had been critical of me, and harbored some resentment toward me because of how I was using my time.  She apologized for making me feel bad and promised to be more honest in sharing her own feelings in the future.  She said I had raised the honesty bar for both of us.