Flip the Switch Back to Normal

Is it just me or did you think D-day (day of discovery) would flip a switch for your spouse’s behavior? When you picked up his phone, looked at his computer or caught him in the act and then confronted him, didn’t you believe the betrayal would just stop? When you get caught doing something wrong, you stop doing it, right?

Six days after D-day, when I had moved ever so slightly from a place of horrified shock into something not much better, I really believed it would all be over soon. I had knocked some sense into my husband. He said he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. He said I was more important; our marriage was more important. Done! The switch was flipped back to normal. Soon the nightmare would be over, and I would return to my beautiful life.

Sadly, that it doesn’t work that way. Sexual brokenness has no on/off switch. There is no “return to normal”. Things will get better, but it will take time and the healing journey definitely does not follow a straight path.

First, it was painful for me to learn all the ways I had been betrayed. Then I found out it would take time for my husband to stop patterns of behavior that he developed long before we met. My husband’s desire to break from sexual brokenness was genuine. He did love me and did want to save our marriage, but there is no on/off switch for sexual brokenness. I was crushed each time his admissions or actions demonstrated the power sexual temptation had over him. None of my sobbing, yelling or lecturing would alter the fact that change is a process. A process I had to accept with all of its successes and failures, if we were going to make it. After twelve years of loving a man who I believed was perfect, I had to learn to love a real man, a man who was doing his best to break free from sexual addiction.

So, what was my part in the change process? Mine was an on-going battle to turn things over. I couldn’t control my husband’s eyes, or his thoughts. I couldn’t control what he did on his technology or how he interacted with women when I wasn’t around. The only thing I could control was how I chose to respond to things that were out of my control.

For me, the first year was one long panic attack where fear ruled. As we entered our second year, I joined a Christian group for betrayed women and things began to change. If I wanted to get well, I had to respond differently to my new reality. My new reality being that I was married to a man who was doing his best to break free from sexual addiction. I had to learn to let go and trust my husband to work his program. I also had to trust God to take care of me regardless of my husband’s behavior.

Now, 5 years after D-day, I have a new normal. I am married to my best friend who continues his recovery from sexual addiction. We aren’t perfect but our marriage is real and honest and more resilient than many. We’ve survived the ultimate test. God brought us through the storm of sexual betrayal and we are richer together for having survived.