Now I Know About Betrayal

From my journal dated September 3, 2016  

I hate that so many women are sitting where I sat 2½ years ago, shocked by the horror of betrayal.  I hate that our society encourages objectification of women and that porn is so readily available. I hate that my wonderful husband got caught up in betrayal. 

I have often kept my head in the sand regarding the ugliness of this world.  I figured I was better off seeing the joy around me and bringing a smile to my days.  But now I know about sexual betrayal and the knowing is painful.  Some days I just want to put my head back in the sand and let the knowing be muffled away. I expected at this point in my healing I would be done with the ugliness, that I would move on with a more joyful spirit. But the knowing won't go away. Each time my thoughts turn to Joe's dark past, I am disappointed in myself for going there again. It's over. He's changed. 

But the knowing will always be part of my life because my husband has to work hard to stay sober.  He attends two weekly groups and relies on the daily texts with his guys. I’m grateful he has all that support, but really? Really? You need that much support to stay faithful to me? I wasn’t good enough to keep you from having an affair and I’m still not good enough.  

Wait! That's a lie! I can't let the enemy's lies pull me away from the truth. Let me think this through. 

Lie: I’m not good enough to keep my husband from lusting after other women. 

Truth:  I'm the reason he wants to stop lusting after other women.

            Wow, I like the truth much better than the lie. Let me keep going.

Lie:  Joe is in danger of falling, that's why he needs so much support. 

Truth: Joe is using a lot of support because he doesn’t ever want to be that broken man again.
             He is keeping himself safe. 

Lie: I will always be haunted by sexual brokenness.

Truth: I already think about it less and will continue to move further from those thoughts. 

Lie: I have so many reasons to be sad.

Truth: I have so much to be grateful for.  My husband has turned his life around. God has taken good care of me.  I have no reason to be sad.  

Lie: I am so depressing to those around me.

Truth: I am joyful and becoming more peaceful.  When I turn things over to God I am happier.

Lie: There is nothing I can do about sexual brokenness.

Truth: I am already doing something about it. I'm helping other women.

The truth about my life today is that I have faced my husband's sexual betrayal, and with God's help I am healing. I am becoming more joyful and peaceful.  I survived infidelity and you can too.