Am I Really "Not Good Enough"?

"I'm not good enough", was seared on my heart when I found out about Joe's betrayal. Nothing could persuade me otherwise. I struggled to convince myself that Joe's brokenness was not about me. After about two years, I understood it intellectually, but my heart continued to stutter when time he talked about the temptations he battled every day.

It's not about me! I'd remind myself, then pray for protection from an enemy, who would have me believe otherwise.

This Christmas will be the 5 year anniversary of discovery. I know the betrayal was never about me. This morning, on a 4 AM run under a beautiful starlit sky, I understood it at a deeper level. None of this was even about Joe. God's plans for Joe's brokenness went far beyond our little marriage. God didn't create Joe's sexual brokenness, but he had an awesome plan for it. He allowed Joe's affair to break both of us so we would come to Him, but again, not for us. His plan was bigger. 

God wanted us to bring him glory, to use our story to serve others. He wanted me to harness my pride and selfish focus on myself. He wanted me in relationship with other women. My faith in him restored me to wholeness. The ripple effect of his glory in my life put more of his love into the world through me. When I focus attention on others, even for a moment, I impact people with the love and restoration he has placed in my heart. Very little of this healing journey was about Joe and me. Most of it was about us finding our place in God's kingdom. 

God used my narrow world of "I'm not good enough for Joe," and turned it into "God thinks I'm good enough and he wants me to love other people." Only God could make a change of that magnitude in one small person. 

None of this is about us. All of it is about healing our hearts so we can love and bless others with what we've learned. Let him to restore your heart and use you to bless others.