Restoring the Years the Locusts Ate

Joe has often said, “I want to give you back the years the locusts ate.” I love that he wants to do that and have felt comforted by his declaration. Yay, he is going to fix this. He is going to do something the make it all go away, to make it all better. Abracadabra. Here are the years the locust ate.

This morning I realize how that really works. --It doesn’t.

Joe has no magic wand or super power. He can’t give me something that was never his in the first place. It is up to me. I am the only one who can reclaim those years. How? By recognizing the gifts that have come from them. By believing with 100% certainty that there was no other way to arrive at this place of glory where I walk with God's guidance.

 I remember many times saying, “I will not waste 2-5 years of my life in this nightmare.” I wanted the nightmare to go away. I wanted to awaken and find the betrayal, its memories, triggers and ugliness deleted from the hard drive of my life.

I smile to think of my childish wish. As if the single most traumatic event in my life could be forgotten. I wasn’t looking for a return of the years the locust ate. I was looking for the years to never have happened. What a tragedy that would have been. God’s biggest, life altering plan in my life, gone. Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Joe and I wouldn’t be who we are now.

Lord, I’ve changed my mind! Please, don’t send me back to my happy past. Don’t take away those sorrowful years. 

The anniversary of my discovery day is in fourteen days. It will be 5 years and I feel like celebrating not forgetting. How crazy is that?

Lord, you have not only returned the years the locust ate, you have glorified them. You have wrapped them up neatly in a book, a gift I can share with others, a blessing of hope to women wandering in the darkness of betrayal. Will they be surprised on their own fifth anniversary? Will other women wake one morning to see the glory in their stories?

It never was up to Joe to return the years the locusts ate. As comforting as those words were, it was a promise he couldn’t fulfilled. It was up to me. I had to cry and grieve and read and ask questions. I had to hear things I did not want to hear and say angry things I never thought I would say. I had to wallow in self pity and walk alone in frightening darkness. And then… I had to reach out to God, to hear him and trust him. I had act in obedience even when it didn’t make sense. I had to accept the unacceptable and love Joe when neither of us felt he deserved to be loved.

Now, the dust settles, the fog lifts, and the veil of protection is removed. A clarity of awareness washes over me and I see, really see, that the years of deceit, pain and sorrow have been returned. They are my story. They are my truth. They are the harrowing adventure that has brought me to this life God had waiting for me. He blessed me with an eye-opening gift. The destruction forced me to rebuild my life, brick by brick on a new foundation, on faith in an almighty God who will never leave me.

Return the years the locusts ate, ha. God’s plans were so much bigger than that!   

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" Joel 2:25