My Shattered Mirror
From my Journal dated January 21, 2016
I used to feel loved and valued. Joe was my mirror. The love I saw in his eyes was a reflection of who I am. I must be the most amazing person because this man chose me and shows me every day how much he loves me. When my mirror shattered, when I realized there was a whole other side to my husband that I didn’t know about, my self-worth disintegrated like shards of glass. My sense of self vanished. With each new disclosure my mirror splintered and my fear grew. I was lost without that mirror. Without it I didn’t know who I was.
Even now, two years later, when Joe mentions a temptation it pulls me back. It doesn’t matter that he's turned away from the temptation. I am still afraid. The beliefs I had about my husband and what I meant to him are gone.
I just realized those are two separate things. My beliefs about Joe are not the same as my value to him. My value has never changed. He has always loved me. His heart got clouded with lust. He admits he forgot to cherish me, but he never forgot to love me.
Ok, back up a bit. I don’t have to let his temptations or even slips shatter me. I've been looking at his brokenness as a reflection on me. I wasn’t good enough to keep him from acting out.
Hmmm. Maybe I have that backwards.
Maybe Joe wasn't good enough. He 's the one who wasn't honest. He's the one who wasn't faithful. How can I take my focus off of him if I think his behavior is a reflection of my worth? It is my beliefs about Joe that have been shattered, not me. The mirror was a mirage. I’m still here and I’m going to be OK.
I used to feel loved and valued. Joe was my mirror. The love I saw in his eyes was a reflection of who I am. I must be the most amazing person because this man chose me and shows me every day how much he loves me. When my mirror shattered, when I realized there was a whole other side to my husband that I didn’t know about, my self-worth disintegrated like shards of glass. My sense of self vanished. With each new disclosure my mirror splintered and my fear grew. I was lost without that mirror. Without it I didn’t know who I was.
Even now, two years later, when Joe mentions a temptation it pulls me back. It doesn’t matter that he's turned away from the temptation. I am still afraid. The beliefs I had about my husband and what I meant to him are gone.
I just realized those are two separate things. My beliefs about Joe are not the same as my value to him. My value has never changed. He has always loved me. His heart got clouded with lust. He admits he forgot to cherish me, but he never forgot to love me.
Ok, back up a bit. I don’t have to let his temptations or even slips shatter me. I've been looking at his brokenness as a reflection on me. I wasn’t good enough to keep him from acting out.
Hmmm. Maybe I have that backwards.
Maybe Joe wasn't good enough. He 's the one who wasn't honest. He's the one who wasn't faithful. How can I take my focus off of him if I think his behavior is a reflection of my worth? It is my beliefs about Joe that have been shattered, not me. The mirror was a mirage. I’m still here and I’m going to be OK.
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