Ego vs. Love

A journal entry from April 10, 2016                 

               Lord, I think you have given me another insight.  Last night I was telling Joe about a book I was reading where the married woman was attracted to her class instructor.  It was that she was headed toward an affair.

                Joe told me that when he hears stuff like that his stomach clenches.  It is like watching a horror movie.  All he can think is, “No, don’t do it!”  It makes him sick to remember his stupidity and he wishes every day that he could change his past choices.  Then, thinking of the past he said, “You could never make me feel the things she made me feel about myself, but it was all shallow.  It wasn’t until I almost lost you that I realized, this is the only thing that matters.  Everything I was feeling was just shallow.  You and I have history and love that goes deeper than anything I could get from someone else.”

 I heard and understood what he was saying. I put it aside while we watched a movie but the conversation wouldn’t go away.  The enemy tried to get me with negative thoughts, “See you weren’t good enough. She gave him things you couldn’t give him.” 

Later when I turned out my bed side light, I was wide awake.  I got up and went outside, in the snow to look at the stars.  I needed You to help me put it into a better place.  Satan would not have his way with me on this one.  I walked around in the dark yard looking up at the stars.  Then I stopped and just stood still in the cold night air.  I stood still, quietly waiting for You to tell me the truth.

                You helped me understand that any woman could make Joe feel manly.  I was the only one who could make him feel loved.  I smiled, went in the house and went to sleep. 

               

But I woke just now at 4, with a clearer understanding.  Any woman can feed Joe’s ego.  I am the only one who can love him the way I do.  It was so clear that it woke me from a sound sleep.  I thought, “Ok, good.  That makes sense.  It is very clear and simple and a good insight.”  I tried to read, thinking I would fall back to sleep but apparently You were not done with me. There was something more just below the surface even as I tried to read.

            
God:   Just like me. 

Me:    What, what was that?

God:  Just like my love for you.

Me:   Wait.  There is more than ego v. love? 

God: Baby girl, I love you so deeply and so consistently that nothing can compare.  I have loved you since the beginning of time.  I have always loved you.  My love has always been here for you even more so than your love for Joe having always been available to him.  All he had to do was come to you with his pain.  Don’t you see that you could have come to me at any time with your hurts and worries and I would have poured out My love and Holy Spirit on you?  I would have given you peace when you needed it most.  I would have comforted you and helped you see that I was working all things for good.  I would take even the smallest discomforts in your life and worked them for your good. 

        In this marriage you have used Joe to feed your ego, to define your sense of self.  He wanted to feel manly and went looking outside for women who would hold up that manly mirror.  You needed to feel loved and cherished and you looked for that in the mirror your husband held.  There were imperfections in your husband and in your marriage but you were looking for a mirror that would feed your ego and Joe did that for you.

Me:   This isn’t flowing from my fingers, so I think there may be something more, something that I am not getting.  Lord I feel like you have more for me, a deeper message.  This seems huge but maybe there is something more.

God:  Baby girl, when my children are trying to fill a need and they chose anything other than me, that is sin.  My son died so that you would look to me.  At times you have done that.  When things were so hard for you as a young mom, you found me for a while but then you drifted from me into self sufficiency. Just like Joe, you found other things to feed your ego, good grades in school, a job, accomplishments at work.  Even with this ministry I have led you to, you are looking to define yourself by it.  You are looking for another mirror that tells you things you wish to hear. Joe wanted to see that he was manly and that pulled him from you.  What is it that pulls you away from me baby girl?  Think, think, what do you want to see in that mirror? 

 Me:   I don’t know Lord.  I’m not sure what… I want to be seen as organized, wise, competent, creative, insightful. 

God:  Yes, yes.  You are looking for this new ministry to be a mirror of those things.  Baby girl, you will not be fulfilling my purpose in you, if you are looking for something outside of our marriage.  You will not be getting the full benefit of my love for you if you don’t come to me for what you need.  You want to be seen as competent, come to me and ask for my guidance.  You want to be seen as organized, trust me to lead you in the way you should go.  You want to be seen as wise.  Baby girl, how many people do you think are up at this hour talking to me and hearing what I have to offer them?  Baby girl, you are so wise.  But it isn’t something that should feed your ego.  The ego is not a part of my relationship with you.  You are only as wise as you are able to come to me.  Let me be your mirror baby girl.  Let me be the one who shows you all that you are and all that you can be.  When you tap into the plans I have for you, you become my daughter.  You become a sister to my son.  You get to hold out your hand and clasp the hand of Jesus, the only perfect man.  The only man who is without sin.  He is me baby girl.  When you look to me I am your husband, your lover, your best friend and there is no betrayal of your spouse because I want him to hold my hand as well.  I want all of my children to walk with me in the light, free of sin.  I want to be your mirror baby girl.  I want to be who you look to at all times, to see the amazing woman that you are.  I am in you.  I shine through you, out into the darkness of this world.  Baby girl, think of me.  Ego vs. love, let my love shine through you baby girl.  No pride, no ego, just love.  Let me be your mirror and then you can point others to me so they can see who they really are in the light of my love.  This is about you and me baby girl, not about you and your husband.  You are my bride and I will never leave you.  I will always cherish you, you are my baby girl.