Let's Talk About Fear

A journal entry from April 2, 2016  

Words from God through my hands:

Baby girl, it is a good time to talk about fear.  I have given you good insights about it and it is time to pull some of them together.  I understand your fear but I don’t know if you understand it yet.  Baby girl, what are you afraid of?  You know that I am here in your heart and still you are afraid.  You know that I have a plan for you and still you are afraid.  You know that I will never leave you, that I have always been here for you, I have always taken care of you and still you are afraid.  You know that I love you and I choose you.  You can feel me loving you and still you are afraid.  Why are you afraid baby girl?  What are you afraid of? Why is my love, not enough for you?

         Me:     What am I afraid of?  I have been asking myself that question and the true answer is hard to find.  Could it be because as much as I love and trust you, I still want my husband to be my God?  I still can’t admit that he is only human and cannot give me what you can give me.  He will never be the idol I had made him out to be.  I find myself looking at him a bit differently now and seeing that he is just a man.  I wrote last month about not owning him.  I have written about him being human.  Lord, I do not want Joe to be my idol.  I know I can live without him if I have to.  I know that he is not perfect and that he has brokenness that will never go away.  He is only one thought away from falling to lust.  What am I afraid of if I understand all of that?  The worst has already happened.

I used to think the worst thing that could happen to me would be if Joe died.  I was afraid of him dying, losing him to an accident or illness. I loved him so much and I felt like I couldn’t make it without him.  He made me who I was.  I didn’t see it at the time but I defined myself by the love and support and encouragement I felt from Joe. He was the mirror that told me who I was.  I was important, valued, sexy, smart, brave, independent, beautiful.  I mattered because I mattered to him.   I thought if I lost Joe, my world would fall apart.  Then something so much worse happened.  I found out that I wasn’t the most important thing in his world.  I was not his idol, not even close.  He defined himself by the words of other women.  He defined himself by the sex he had with another woman.  It was worse than losing him to death.  In death I would have still had the images of myself that he gave me.  By losing him to sexual betrayal, I lost my sense of self, too. 

I think that is what I am afraid of Lord.  I am afraid of losing myself again.  When I am triggered, it is that fear that I have to quiet.  When he even mentions the name of a woman I have to quiet the fear. 

          God:   Good baby girl, what is that fear?  What are you afraid will happen.

          Me:    I am afraid that other women will like him and spark a desire he has deep in his heart to be admired, to be seen as big and strong and manly.  I am afraid that he will want more of that. Even if he can hold himself back, resist the temptation, him wanting to be admired frightens me.  

God:   Why?

Me:    Because it makes me less.  If makes me feel like I am not as important.  I have never been jealous but now I am and it is painful.

I don’t feel like I am answering the question. What am I afraid of?  I guess I am afraid of not being good enough.  I am afraid of putting my trust back in this man that you have given me,  I am afraid of falling again.  I am afraid of feeling like I felt through all of 2014.  I was so lost Lord.  I was so lost because I didn’t know who I was anymore.  Is that the key?  The fear came from not knowing who I was.  A new friend of mine said she got better when she learned who she was in Jesus Christ.  Is that what you want me to learn?  I am starting to understand how much you love me and that you will always be there for me.  But then I look for other solutions to my fear.  Maybe I really need to stick to that one thing, I will always be enough to you.  I am your baby girl.

               

God:   Good, keep going baby girl.  Let me ask the question again.  What are you afraid of?

Me:    I think I am afraid of something that can never happen again.  I’m not afraid of losing Joe as much as I’m afraid of losing myself.  I was walking in sunshine, loving my life.  I knew something was missing but I still had a really good life and I loved my husband.  Then I was pushed off a huge cliff and I got lost.  You came to me right away.  You were ready to rescue me.  You handed me my computer and said, “Write baby girl.  Write so I can find you.”   You gave me time with my girls in a safe place while I tried to absorb the shock.  You gave me a visit with a friend so I wouldn’t be totally alone.  You gave me my libido so I could connect physically with Joe.  You sent me to church with my siblings so I might start to look for you.  Lord you never left my side. You have been so close to me.   I have thoughts of you in my heart and songs of your truth playing over and over in my mind whenever I need them to comfort me. 

And you gave me Joe.  You gave me a man who was so strong that, even in his darkest despair at what he had done, he could help you carry me from the bottom of the cliff he had created, all the way back up that steep, dark path. Together, you both carried me into the light of your healing love and grace. 

What am I afraid of?  I am afraid of being lost in that deep dark pit of despair again.  I am afraid of being Alice in the looking glass with no idea who I am or how I got there.  I am afraid of something that doesn’t exist anymore.  The pit is gone.  The cliff no longer exists.  When I found you I could never get lost again.  When I understood how much you love me and that you are always there, that you choose me every moment of every day, it dispelled the darkness.  The darkness is gone.  I will never be alone, I will never be lost, I will never be helpless because I have you.  All I have to do is call to you and you will come to me.  I can call your name and ask for your help and you will come to me.  You have a plan for me.  You have always had a plan and it is so easy to see how you have led me every step of the way.  And….

                

You gave me this man.  You gave me the gift of this man, not so he would hurt me but so we could bring each other to you.  You wanted us both to find you and through our shared pain we did.  We found you not on our own but as a couple.  We were lost and broken together.  Joe brought me down to his level and then together we reached out in our pain and fear and grabbed on to the hand that had always been there waiting for us.  You must have been so excited when we finally reached that point in your plan for us.  It seems like it was a long time coming.  A life time for each of us.  We were both moving toward this time in opposite directions.  I was getting closer and Joe was getting further.  The night I picked up his phone, our worlds collided.  He dragged me down into his pit and then together, we made the long journey toward your light. 

You have helped me see that I don’t have to be afraid, because you are near.  I will never lose my sense of self again because who I am, belongs to you.  Joe’s journey will always affect me because I love him and we are a team but I will define who I am and where I am, by my relationship with you.  You made me, you get to define me and you have always kept me safe.  I am your baby girl and you will always be near to show me the way.  I will never be lost again.  I may get turned around but I can trust you to show me the way back home.  Thank you for taking my writing where you want me to go.  I am so amazed by how much you love me.  And thank you for the gift of this amazing husband.  I know now that I could have made it without him but I thank you for the blessing of our marriage and our love for each other.