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Banish Painful Images

This morning I woke with ‘ those’ images playing in my mind. You know the ones I mean—the horrifying reruns of your husband with another woman. I quickly stopped the tape and brought my thoughts under control. There is no way I wanted to go back to that place of pain. Why do we do that? When faced with infidelity, why does our mind continuously replay images and scenes that hurt us? And even more importantly, how do we stop them? WHY When you learn of your husband’s pornography usage, online relationships, affair or other form of sexual betrayal you are shocked. Your perception of the man you married battles with the ugly truth. You can’t believe your husband has become an unrecognizable monster. You want to make sense of the warring confusion. You can’t help it. Using the details, real or imagined, you create explicit mind movies of your husband’s secret life and it breaks your heart. Or was it just me? Am I the only one who did that? I couldn’t seem to stop. I convin
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Flip the Switch Back to Normal

Is it just me or did you think D-day (day of discovery) would flip a switch for your spouse’s behavior? When you picked up his phone, looked at his computer or caught him in the act and then confronted him, didn’t you believe the betrayal would just stop? When you get caught doing something wrong, you stop doing it, right? Six days after D-day, when I had moved ever so slightly from a place of horrified shock into something not much better, I really believed it would all be over soon. I had knocked some sense into my husband. He said he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. He said I was more important; our marriage was more important. Done! The switch was flipped back to normal. Soon the nightmare would be over, and I would return to my beautiful life. Sadly, that it doesn’t work that way. Sexual brokenness has no on/off switch. There is no “return to normal”. Things will get better, but it will take time and the healing journey definitely does not follow a straight pat
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No More Secrets

A journal entry from January 23, 2015   Last night I dreamed that Joe still had secrets. If I believed that it will make me crazy. As devastating as it was to find out he had an affair, it was even more upsetting when I learn ed there were more secrets. I thought I knew this man better than anyone else and it turned out, I didn’t know him at all. It's the secrets that break my heart. That's why honesty is so important. What I don’t know, can make me crazy. The not-knowing fuels my imagination. I review things over and over in my mind trying to envision the things did and talked about with other women. Each time I learn something from Joe’s past I can think of a dozen different ways to adjust my understanding of it.  Someone wrote that sexual betrayal is like a puzzle with pieces missing. We will never know every detail. We weren’t there. In my dream, it was the thought of secrets that startled me awake. He promised -no more secrets. Last night Joe shared a
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My Shattered Mirror

From my Journal dated January 21, 2016 I used to feel loved and valued. Joe was my mirror.  The love I saw in his eyes was a reflection of who I am.  I must be the most amazing person because this man chose me and shows me  every day  how much he loves me.   When my mirror shattered, when I realized there was a whole other side to my husband that I didn’t know about, my self-worth disintegrated like shards of glass.  My sense of self vanished.  With each new disclosure my mirror splintered and my fear grew.  I was lost without that mirror. Without it I didn’t know who I was. Even now, two years later, when Joe mentions a temptation it pulls me back.  It doesn’t matter that he's turned away from the temptation.  I am still afraid. The beliefs I had about my husband and what I meant to him are gone. I just realized those are two separate things. My beliefs about Joe are not the same as my value to him. My value has never changed.  He has always loved me.  His heart got clouded
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Discovery - Day 2

A journal entry from  December 24, 2013   It's Christmas Eve and I’m sitting here afraid to begin this writing.   A fraid to open my frozen heart to the rush of emotion I know is sure to break through if I allow myself to really understand what has been going on in my life for … how long?   Joe said a few months.     Joe has been having an emotional affair for a few months. Instead of dealing with this I started googling, “Is it really an affair if there is no sex?”   T he answer is yes and it can be much more damaging than a fling.   I’m sick.   Why did he need this?   I think I'm crazy. I want to sweep it under the rug and curl up in his arms.   I want Joe to make it better.   I want him to say all of those comforting loving things that show how much he loves me.   I’m in denial. I want him to protect me from this awful thing that has happened but he's the one who did it.   He is my abuser.   I understand the wife who keeps going back to her abusive husband.  
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Now I Know About Betrayal

From my journal dated September 3, 2016    I hate that so many women are sitting where I sat 2½ years ago, shocked by the horror of betrayal.  I hate that our society encourages objectification of women and that porn is so readily available. I hate that my wonderful husband got caught up in betrayal.  I have often kept my head in the sand regarding the ugliness of this world.  I figured I was better off seeing the joy around me and bringing a smile to my days.  But now I know about sexual betrayal and the knowing is painful.   Some days I j ust want to put my head back in the sand and let the knowing be muffled away.  I expected at this point in my healing I would be done with the ugliness, that I would move on with a more joyful spirit. But the knowing won't go away. Each time my thoughts turn to Joe's dark past , I am disappointed in myself for going there again. It's over. He's changed.  But the knowing will always be part of my life because my husband has
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Discovery - Day 1

Discovering your husband's betrayal is an experience that is beyond description. Only those who have been there can understand the pain and shock of discovery. A journal entry from December 23, 2013 I can’t believe it. I am sitting here trembling. I feel sick. For twelve years I have never once doubted I could trust Joe in all things. And now, I have a knot in my stomach. Blood is thrumming through my veins. Fear is making my whole body quake. Just writing about it makes my arms go numb. It’s difficult for me to hit the correct keys with my hands shaking so badly. Joe went to Cindy’s house yesterday because he wanted to see her before he left on his trip? I don’t even know what to think about that. Going over there is so weird.      I’m going to be here for a week, and he’ll be going back to Ohio by himself. My thoughts are making me nauseous. Should I just wait and see what happens? If I say something, he will become sneakier. Even if there is ‘nothing’ going on
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