Surviving Infidelity

From my journal dated September 3, 2016    I hate that so many women are sitting where I sat 2½ years ago, shocked by the horror of betrayal.  I hate that our society encourages objectification of women and that porn is so readily available. I hate that my wonderful husband got caught up in betrayal.  I have often kept my head in the sand regarding the ugliness of this world.  I figured I was better off seeing the joy around me and bringing a smile to my days.  But now I know about sexual betrayal and the knowing is painful.   Some days I j ust want to put my head back in the sand and let the knowing be muffled away.  I expected at this point in my healing I would be done with the ugliness, that I would move on with a more joyful spirit. But the knowing won't go away. Each time my thoughts turn to Joe's dark past , I am disappointed in myself for going there again. It's over. He's changed.  But the knowing will always be part o...

Discovering your husband's betrayal is an experience that is beyond description. Only those who have been there can understand the pain and shock of discovery. A journal entry from December 23, 2013 I can’t believe it. I am sitting here trembling. I feel sick. For twelve years I have never once doubted I could trust Joe in all things. And now, I have a knot in my stomach. Blood is thrumming through my veins. Fear is making my whole body quake. Just writing about it makes my arms go numb. It’s difficult for me to hit the correct keys with my hands shaking so badly. Joe went to Cindy’s house yesterday because he wanted to see her before he left on his trip? I don’t even know what to think about that. Going over there is so weird.      I’m going to be here for a week, and he’ll be going back to Ohio by himself. My thoughts are making me nauseous. Should I just wait and see what happens? If I say something, he will become sneak...

Guest Post: from my husband   My wife has graciously asked me if I would give my perspective on the most recent lesson in our healing process.   On a recent Friday morning, I took advantage of the last dry unseasonably warm day of December to chop leaves in our yard.   This entails driving the mower in circles and reducing piles of leaves to chopped mulch.   It can be pretty mindless work but it gives me time to reflect and meditate. As I was mowing, my mind wandered and I found myself imagining a text conversation with a woman I have worked with.   Nothing in the conversation was blatantly inappropriate (read: sexual) but it was certainly more familiar than a married man should be having with a woman who is not his wife.   At some point, I stopped the imaginary conversation and started talking to myself.   Why was I doing this?   I knew where this kind of banter could lead.   It had led me down a path that almost ended in the dest...

My husband's lip quivered. “I have something to tell you.” Over the past five years, that phrase has put me on high alert many times. My stomach drops, my heart races and I brace myself for the onslaught of emotion Joe’s words of truth-telling are sure to bring. I readied myself for his admission. “I thought about contacting a woman for validation, but I didn’t." Joe assured me. "I don’t want to be that man anymore. I am coming to you instead.” I took a breath and checked in with myself. My heart quieted. My breathing calmed. I was okay. Joe continued, and I listened with an ear tuned to the message he needed to share. He felt criticism coming from me lately. It reignited feelings of inadequacy and being a disappointment. In the past, these feelings would have caused him to turn to others for comfort and distraction from the pain. This time God was stronger. Joe was stronger. This time, Joe came to me, knowing I would provide the love and validation he neede...

Last weekend, a tiny ornament made me cry. While visiting my daughter and her family in NY, I helped decorate the Christmas tree. The kids bounced between the ornament boxes spread on the couch and the large blinking tree. “Help us, Mimi,” one of them urged as he skittered past.   I reached into a box of the more delicate ornaments and pulled out one that had been carefully wrapped in tissue paper. When I unwrapped the treasure, the chatter and excitement of my grandchildren faded. My eyes welled and I was transported back to Christmas 2013 and the horror of discovering Joe’s affair. Not wanting to dwell on that chapter of our journey, I pushed my thoughts forward to the following Christmas. Did we even celebrate that year? Did any of the kids come home? I was so lost and broken. I feared I might have to leave our marriage if the lies continued. Joe and I kept the burdens of his betrayal to ourselves for a long time. We feared that telling our kids would destroy our bl...

"I'm not good enough", was seared on my heart when I found out about Joe's betrayal. Nothing could persuade me otherwise. I struggled to convince myself that Joe's brokenness was not about me. After about two years, I understood it intellectually, but my heart continued to stutter when time he talked about the temptations he battled every day. It's not about me! I'd remind myself, then pray for protection from an enemy, who would have me believe otherwise. This Christmas will be the 5 year anniversary of discovery. I know the betrayal was never about me. This morning, on a 4 AM run under a beautiful starlit sky, I understood it at a deeper level. None of this was even about Joe. God's plans for Joe's brokenness went far beyond our little marriage. God didn't create Joe's sexual brokenness, but he had an awesome plan for it. He allowed Joe's affair to break both of us so we would come to Him, but again, not for us. His plan was big...

Joe has often said, “I want to give you back the years the locusts ate.” I love that he wants to do that and have felt comforted by his declaration. Yay, he is going to fix this. He is going to do something the make it all go away, to make it all better. Abracadabra. Here are the years the locust ate. This morning I realize how that really works. --It doesn’t. Joe has no magic wand or super power. He can’t give me something that was never his in the first place. It is up to me. I am the only one who can reclaim those years. How? By recognizing the gifts that have come from them. By believing with 100% certainty that there was no other way to arrive at this place of glory where I walk with God's guidance.   I remember many times saying, “I will not waste 2-5 years of my life in this nightmare.” I wanted the nightmare to go away. I wanted to awaken and find the betrayal, its memories, triggers and ugliness deleted from the hard drive of my life. I smile to think of my chil...