Surviving Infidelity

This morning I woke with ‘ those’ images playing in my mind. You know the ones I mean—the horrifying reruns of your husband with another woman. I quickly stopped the tape and brought my thoughts under control. There is no way I wanted to go back to that place of pain. Why do we do that? When faced with infidelity, why does our mind continuously replay images and scenes that hurt us? And even more importantly, how do we stop them? WHY When you learn of your husband’s pornography usage, online relationships, affair or other form of sexual betrayal you are shocked. Your perception of the man you married battles with the ugly truth. You can’t believe your husband has become an unrecognizable monster. You want to make sense of the warring confusion. You can’t help it. Using the details, real or imagined, you create explicit mind movies of your husband’s secret life and it breaks your heart. Or was it just me? Am I the only one who did that? I couldn’t seem to stop. I convin...

Is it just me or did you think D-day (day of discovery) would flip a switch for your spouse’s behavior? When you picked up his phone, looked at his computer or caught him in the act and then confronted him, didn’t you believe the betrayal would just stop? When you get caught doing something wrong, you stop doing it, right? Six days after D-day, when I had moved ever so slightly from a place of horrified shock into something not much better, I really believed it would all be over soon. I had knocked some sense into my husband. He said he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. He said I was more important; our marriage was more important. Done! The switch was flipped back to normal. Soon the nightmare would be over, and I would return to my beautiful life. Sadly, that it doesn’t work that way. Sexual brokenness has no on/off switch. There is no “return to normal”. Things will get better, but it will take time and the healing journey definitely does not follow a straight pat...

A journal entry from January 23, 2015   Last night I dreamed that Joe still had secrets. If I believed that it will make me crazy. As devastating as it was to find out he had an affair, it was even more upsetting when I learn ed there were more secrets. I thought I knew this man better than anyone else and it turned out, I didn’t know him at all. It's the secrets that break my heart. That's why honesty is so important. What I don’t know, can make me crazy. The not-knowing fuels my imagination. I review things over and over in my mind trying to envision the things did and talked about with other women. Each time I learn something from Joe’s past I can think of a dozen different ways to adjust my understanding of it.  Someone wrote that sexual betrayal is like a puzzle with pieces missing. We will never know every detail. We weren’t there. In my dream, it was the thought of secrets that startled me awake. He promised -no more secrets. ...

From my Journal dated January 21, 2016 I used to feel loved and valued. Joe was my mirror.  The love I saw in his eyes was a reflection of who I am.  I must be the most amazing person because this man chose me and shows me  every day  how much he loves me.   When my mirror shattered, when I realized there was a whole other side to my husband that I didn’t know about, my self-worth disintegrated like shards of glass.  My sense of self vanished.  With each new disclosure my mirror splintered and my fear grew.  I was lost without that mirror. Without it I didn’t know who I was. Even now, two years later, when Joe mentions a temptation it pulls me back.  It doesn’t matter that he's turned away from the temptation.  I am still afraid. The beliefs I had about my husband and what I meant to him are gone. I just realized those are two separate things. My beliefs about Joe are not the same as my value to him. My value has never change...

A journal entry from  December 24, 2013   It's Christmas Eve and I’m sitting here afraid to begin this writing.   A fraid to open my frozen heart to the rush of emotion I know is sure to break through if I allow myself to really understand what has been going on in my life for … how long?   Joe said a few months.     Joe has been having an emotional affair for a few months. Instead of dealing with this I started googling, “Is it really an affair if there is no sex?”   T he answer is yes and it can be much more damaging than a fling.   I’m sick.   Why did he need this?   I think I'm crazy. I want to sweep it under the rug and curl up in his arms.   I want Joe to make it better.   I want him to say all of those comforting loving things that show how much he loves me.   I’m in denial. I want him to protect me from this awful thing that has happened but he's the one who did it.   He is my abuser.   I under...

From my journal dated September 3, 2016    I hate that so many women are sitting where I sat 2½ years ago, shocked by the horror of betrayal.  I hate that our society encourages objectification of women and that porn is so readily available. I hate that my wonderful husband got caught up in betrayal.  I have often kept my head in the sand regarding the ugliness of this world.  I figured I was better off seeing the joy around me and bringing a smile to my days.  But now I know about sexual betrayal and the knowing is painful.   Some days I j ust want to put my head back in the sand and let the knowing be muffled away.  I expected at this point in my healing I would be done with the ugliness, that I would move on with a more joyful spirit. But the knowing won't go away. Each time my thoughts turn to Joe's dark past , I am disappointed in myself for going there again. It's over. He's changed.  But the knowing will always be part o...

Discovering your husband's betrayal is an experience that is beyond description. Only those who have been there can understand the pain and shock of discovery. A journal entry from December 23, 2013 I can’t believe it. I am sitting here trembling. I feel sick. For twelve years I have never once doubted I could trust Joe in all things. And now, I have a knot in my stomach. Blood is thrumming through my veins. Fear is making my whole body quake. Just writing about it makes my arms go numb. It’s difficult for me to hit the correct keys with my hands shaking so badly. Joe went to Cindy’s house yesterday because he wanted to see her before he left on his trip? I don’t even know what to think about that. Going over there is so weird.      I’m going to be here for a week, and he’ll be going back to Ohio by himself. My thoughts are making me nauseous. Should I just wait and see what happens? If I say something, he will become sneak...

Guest Post: from my husband   My wife has graciously asked me if I would give my perspective on the most recent lesson in our healing process.   On a recent Friday morning, I took advantage of the last dry unseasonably warm day of December to chop leaves in our yard.   This entails driving the mower in circles and reducing piles of leaves to chopped mulch.   It can be pretty mindless work but it gives me time to reflect and meditate. As I was mowing, my mind wandered and I found myself imagining a text conversation with a woman I have worked with.   Nothing in the conversation was blatantly inappropriate (read: sexual) but it was certainly more familiar than a married man should be having with a woman who is not his wife.   At some point, I stopped the imaginary conversation and started talking to myself.   Why was I doing this?   I knew where this kind of banter could lead.   It had led me down a path that almost ended in the dest...

My husband's lip quivered. “I have something to tell you.” Over the past five years, that phrase has put me on high alert many times. My stomach drops, my heart races and I brace myself for the onslaught of emotion Joe’s words of truth-telling are sure to bring. I readied myself for his admission. “I thought about contacting a woman for validation, but I didn’t." Joe assured me. "I don’t want to be that man anymore. I am coming to you instead.” I took a breath and checked in with myself. My heart quieted. My breathing calmed. I was okay. Joe continued, and I listened with an ear tuned to the message he needed to share. He felt criticism coming from me lately. It reignited feelings of inadequacy and being a disappointment. In the past, these feelings would have caused him to turn to others for comfort and distraction from the pain. This time God was stronger. Joe was stronger. This time, Joe came to me, knowing I would provide the love and validation he neede...

Last weekend, a tiny ornament made me cry. While visiting my daughter and her family in NY, I helped decorate the Christmas tree. The kids bounced between the ornament boxes spread on the couch and the large blinking tree. “Help us, Mimi,” one of them urged as he skittered past.   I reached into a box of the more delicate ornaments and pulled out one that had been carefully wrapped in tissue paper. When I unwrapped the treasure, the chatter and excitement of my grandchildren faded. My eyes welled and I was transported back to Christmas 2013 and the horror of discovering Joe’s affair. Not wanting to dwell on that chapter of our journey, I pushed my thoughts forward to the following Christmas. Did we even celebrate that year? Did any of the kids come home? I was so lost and broken. I feared I might have to leave our marriage if the lies continued. Joe and I kept the burdens of his betrayal to ourselves for a long time. We feared that telling our kids would destroy our bl...

"I'm not good enough", was seared on my heart when I found out about Joe's betrayal. Nothing could persuade me otherwise. I struggled to convince myself that Joe's brokenness was not about me. After about two years, I understood it intellectually, but my heart continued to stutter when time he talked about the temptations he battled every day. It's not about me! I'd remind myself, then pray for protection from an enemy, who would have me believe otherwise. This Christmas will be the 5 year anniversary of discovery. I know the betrayal was never about me. This morning, on a 4 AM run under a beautiful starlit sky, I understood it at a deeper level. None of this was even about Joe. God's plans for Joe's brokenness went far beyond our little marriage. God didn't create Joe's sexual brokenness, but he had an awesome plan for it. He allowed Joe's affair to break both of us so we would come to Him, but again, not for us. His plan was big...

Joe has often said, “I want to give you back the years the locusts ate.” I love that he wants to do that and have felt comforted by his declaration. Yay, he is going to fix this. He is going to do something the make it all go away, to make it all better. Abracadabra. Here are the years the locust ate. This morning I realize how that really works. --It doesn’t. Joe has no magic wand or super power. He can’t give me something that was never his in the first place. It is up to me. I am the only one who can reclaim those years. How? By recognizing the gifts that have come from them. By believing with 100% certainty that there was no other way to arrive at this place of glory where I walk with God's guidance.   I remember many times saying, “I will not waste 2-5 years of my life in this nightmare.” I wanted the nightmare to go away. I wanted to awaken and find the betrayal, its memories, triggers and ugliness deleted from the hard drive of my life. I smile to think of my chil...

My husband, Joe had the phone to his ear when he walked in the door. “One of my guys,” he mouthed. By the look on his face I imagined that one of the men from his group was struggling. Joe walked into the bedroom to finish the conversation. Joe leads a support group for men. They meet every week to help each other find freedom from sexual brokenness and regain control of their lives. They want to be better men, to be the men their wives and God want them to be. Sometimes one of the men may fall. If he is serious about his healing, he will be honest with his accountability brothers and his wife. Then pick himself up and start again. My heart goes out to the wife. Once again, she must face the harsh reality of her husband’s battle. Hopefully, she has a group of women to turn to in times like this. How do we protect ourselves from the painful truths of our husband’s journey? How do we do the right thing for ourselves and still love these men God has given us. The only way I hav...

Lying in bed with my arm draped over my husband, a thought came to me. He is just a man, a person with insecurities and doubts. He isn’t a big, strong all-knowing being. He is like me, at times weak and fearful. How did I not know that? Why did I expect more of him than I did of myself?             It made me feel safe  to see him as  strong, confident, perfect.  I wanted to believe in a power greater than myself and I gave that power to my husband. He wanted to believe it too. We grew into our roles of reliance on his power, boxing Joe into a place where he couldn’t admit his fears and weaknesses. He tried to appear strong and in his weakness, he fell. I am grateful my husband no longer pretends to be more than he is. He shares his fears and uncertainties, trusting me to love him anyway.  We are called to love people, not idolize them.   I still believe in a power greater than myself but now I know his name is God. ...

So much has changed in my life since that awful night when I looked at Joe's phone and learned he was seeing another woman. I was a mess for a long time, but I survived and so did our marriage. Things are different for us in a lot of ways. Joe doesn’t always tell me the things I want to hear like he used to. Now he tells me the truth. Sometimes I don’t like what he has to say, but his willingness to be honest makes me feel safe. I would rather hear it from him than find myself back in those crazy days, obsessively combing through his technology. God healed me. I learned to trust Him when I couldn’t trust Joe. He led me to a group of women who listened and understood my pain. Through those ladies I learned that God had a plan for me and I was going to be okay regardless of Joe's choices. If you find yourself lost in the nightmare of infidelity, find a community of women who can support you . They will help you see that it is not your fault and you are not crazy. A ...

A journal entry from January 28, 2015                  I’m glad I did all that searching earlier because it got tested right away.  When we were on the way home from 180 and Hearts Restored Joe made a comment about strip clubs.  That had come up a number of times recently.  I asked, “Did you go to them while we were married?”  He said, "Yes," and once again I didn't get the response I had expected and hoped for.  I was shocked.  I knew they were part of his past but by past I thought he meant Marines past, before marriage.                  Satan immediately came after me. He wanted me to look at it closely, to imagine Joe in a place like that.  Create the pictures, come on you can do it.  No, I was not going to do that to myself.  I have enough bad film in my head.  I do not need to add to it.   ...

A journal entry from March 9, 2016                         Lord, please help me understand my love for this man.           Baby Girl, I have given you a most precious gift in your husband.  I picked a man who would love you like no one else.  I knew that you would be facing extreme challenges as you brought him to me, but I knew that you would think he was worth it. I chose him for you Baby Girl because I knew he could fill your needs and desires.  He does that for you, doesn’t he?  He is there for you like no other man ever would be.  He is my gift to you.  You don’t have to be afraid to love him with all of your heart.  I know that you are afraid.  You have been hurt so badly and I am sorry for that.  But you will never be hurt like that again.  He is mine now, just as you are mine and he trusts me with his heart.  You can trust...

A journal entry from June 28, 2016                Joe was severely tempted last night Lord.  Satan attacked him again, but you were with him. You kept him safe.  I guess when we are separated there will always be a greater probability of temptation swooping into the empty spaces I leave behind.  I have been fearful of temptations but you know what?  They don’t scare me as much anymore.  This morning I realized I am much more afraid of secrets.  A secret is the only thing that has the power to destroy our marriage.  Both Joe and I have felt so secure and safe these days.  He is strong in his faith and his commitment to sobriety.  I have been winning my battle with triggers.  After 2 and a half years, life is really starting to seem normal.  But whenever the world is most sweet, the enemy will be looking for a way to attack.  I guess this is the thorn in my...

A journal entry from January 2, 2015  3:30AM           When Joe found me at the other end of my Christmas card, 16 ½ years ago, I was so lonely.   My second marriage had ended and for two years I had been living in a rented house with two of my girls there part time.  We were making it and I was getting stronger, but I was lonely.  I was lonely and I was insecure.  Who would ever want me?  How would I ever find someone to love me?  I was afraid of men.  I knew they could hurt me.  I was afraid of their gaze that showed interest.  I was afraid of sex.  I was lacking and they would know it.  I was not a sexual woman and they would find that out if I let them get close.  I was afraid, so I didn’t let them get close.           I had a bicycle and I found a group of people that liked to ride.  I loved the feeling of strength in my body when I pushed myself t...